On my first day of first grade. I felt nervous and sick.
When I got to school I had the jitters. My teacher was Ms, Hunt, she was my
sisters teacher in third grade. When it was almost the end of the day we had
P.E. we played capture the flag, we also played soccer. It was awesome! Then we
got to do math, I was dismissed. Overall it was a good first day of school.
Usage of punctuations and clarification of abbreviations, would allow for better understanding of written material. Explanation of statements would allow the reader to better understand what the writer is decribing.
ReplyDeleteA nice comprehensive summary of your day, with an effective contrast between the feelings expressed in your first sentence and in your last sentence. But I would like to know a little more about what brought about the change: how did you feel when you learned that your teacher was the same one your sister had had? what made the games you played so awesome? why were you pleased to get to do math? To add in more detail, you could try not to cover so much ground. For instance you might just write about the first few minutes, when you went into class and saw Ms Hunt. What did she say? Did she ask the kids any questions? What did you say? Did you talk to any of the other kids? When did you start to feel maybe school would be okay?
ReplyDeleteYou used some powerful, specific words like "jitters" and "awesome." I was impressed that you used a grown-up word like "dismissed."
ReplyDeleteLearning to use commas and periods can be hard at first, but they help readers understand what you mean, just like that exclamation point after "awesome." You need a comma, not a period, after "grade" and another one after "got to school." In America, after Ms, we use a period. (In England, they don't use any punctuation mark.) After "Ms. Hunt," you need a new piece of punctuation, but you have a choice. Formal writers would use a semi-colon (;) but informal ones might use a dash (--).
Ms. Luria will probably teach your class about apostrophes and run-on sentences, but it's most important to have a good story to tell. Anyone can learn how to punctuate, but finding a good story is hard. You have a good story here.
Hi Jack
ReplyDeleteI liked reading about how your feelings changed as you went through your first day at school, it was great to see you move from being scared to enjoying yourself.
A lot of good stories show that (it's called character progression when you want to be fancy) and is one of the main reasons people will read a story, because they like seeing the people in it move from being scared or sad about something to being happy.