I
was going to ice skating with my cousin Lucy. The tightness of the ice skates
wasn’t bothering me when I stepped on to the rink. Once me and Lucy got to the
first corner we were kicked off the rink. They were putting new ice on. The
zambotani drove onto the rink. I put water on and the water froze.
Once
we were let back on the rink the ice was more slippery. After a while Lucy’s
father, Nick took us out to the middle, He challenged us on things like skate
to the red circle and back. Soon we realized we could skate without the wall. I
was really proud when I walked off the rink.
Hi Eleanor!
ReplyDeleteI liked your story. Skating is a great winter activity.
There are a couple tips that I would like to share with you to help improve your writing.
1) When you write something about yourself and another person, try saying the sentence without the other person's name in it. Does it sounds better to use me or I? Using this little trick will help you see that your sentence should be - Once Lucy and I got to the first corner....
2)Looks like you have been learning about capitalization of names. Nice work! Just reminder to only capitalize a person's name, but not he, she, her, him and so on. You may also want to end your second sentence in the second paragraph by having a period after the word middle. Then it would be correct to capitalize he since it is at the beginning of a sentence.
Have fun in class!
Hi Eleanor! Great job with your story, sounds like you had a lot of fun!
ReplyDeleteHere are my suggestions to help improve your piece.
1. Read the piece out loud or read it slowly. This helps catch run-on sentences, punctuation and grammatical errors. For example, read out loud the sentence in the second paragraph that begins, "After a while..." See if you can find where two missing commas should go, where you can change the sentence into two, and how you can make the last part of the sentence sound better.
2. Something to remember when writing about yourself and another person or persons is that you always put yourself last. For example, "Lucy and I went ice skating", "The class and I went ice skating", "My family and I went ice skating"...You get the idea.
You're off to a good start and good luck!