“My first day going to the doctor”
When
I went to the doctor, I was so scared. I wanted to go home, but when I got to
the doctor and got in. My mom and my dad told me to not be scared, but then my
head hurts. My dad tells me that when you are scared, then I’ll tell him my
head hurts.
Then
the doctor gets a needle and gets it in my hand. Then my heart starts to go
faster. It felt like a mouse in a motorcycle, but then the doctor stopped and I
said what happened; Then the doctor said
we are done, then I said I am free.
What a wonderful phrase, "like a mouse in a motorcycle." It lets me feel what you were feeling. Readers know your emotions in this event.
ReplyDeleteI'm finding it hard to follow exactly what happened when and who said what. Some quotation marks and keeping everything in past tense would help me and your other readers understand what happened.
Hi Daisy, good job! I like the way you expressed your fear about going to the doctor and your joy when it was over. You can make the piece better by checking for commas. Also don't forget your quotation marks when you write about what someone said to you. Good luck!
ReplyDelete