“The first time I went underwater”
The
first time I was underwater, I decided that I was scared out of my skin. My
heart was competing with my stomach for which would got to jump into my throat
first. Then I popped up and thought it was awesome until my nose got filled up
with water. So I decided to do it again, the same feeling struck my central
nerve system.
My
brain told my body to rise, but my body disagreed; so I stayed under even though my lungs burned.
Finally, I couldn’t take it, I rose to the surface. I grinned and asked if we
could stay longer.
Hi Everett!
ReplyDeleteYour writing is very informative and you have a great style! Some of the words you use help to add to the story. It felt like I was underwater with you!
Your punctuation is also great; it makes the story easier to read.
The ending also caps off a great story.
The only criticism I have is your first sentence, which is quite long. You could break it up into different sentences with a period so it's not so long.
Keep on writing and you will improve your style!
Moriah
Hi Everett! I actually like the first sentence. Let's try to make the second one a little simpler. "My heart was competing with my stomach for which would jump into my throat first." By only having one action word (jump) it is easier for the reader to understand what you meant. I really liked how you talked about the different parts of your body - it gave good detail for how you were feeling!
ReplyDelete