“My first time snowboarding”
One day my Dad Lee was driving my mom and I up to Mount
Hood. For me to go snowboarding. First we rented a snowboard and then I clipped
my boots on to it. The first time I went down the hill I fell over sideways.
The second time I didn’t fall over now that I had gotten
better. On the last try I had tumbled down the hill! Then we drove home, It was
a one or two hour drive back. It was dark and it was still snowing out. I saw
lots of trees, It was a fun trip!
Jack,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post about snowboarding! I just tried skiing for the first time and fell a lot, but it sounds like you got better quickly.
I like your details about renting a snowboard, putting on the boots and falling over sideways. Your also had an excellent order of events, with a first, second, and last try. Nice job with beginning, middle, and end of a story.
Next time I think you might try looking at your sentences to see if you can combine some of them to make one whole complete sentence!
Great job!
Liz
Wow, what an adventure! It's a good choice for a "first time" story.
ReplyDeleteI can tell that you are learning about using capital letters and using "I" instead of "me." In the first sentence, though, "Dad" doesn't need to be capitalized because it has "my" in front of it. To know when to use "I" or "me" after the subject of the sentence, try leaving out the other person. You would say or write, "My dad, Lee, was driving me up to Mount Hood." Adding another person does not change that.
That phrase, "a one- or two-hour drive" is very sophisticated. See how I used hyphens, which are kind of sophisticated punctuation marks. I can tell that you have lots of potential as a good writer. (I'm an editor for adults, some of them make these same mistakes on writing that is much less interesting.)
What a fun story, Jack! I like how you include the fact that you fell -- I could relate! It was also a good way to show that you had some trouble at first but were able to overcome it.
ReplyDeleteI think you first two sentences could be combined. I'd also love to know more details -- What did the mountain look like? What did it feel like when you fell? How did it feel when you really got going? One of your best details is how you had to clip your boots to the board to get started.