I
love going to a park on a fall day. I love looking at the different colored
leaves. All the different kinds of birds chirp above me. I smell the fresh air.
The
grass is sometimes damp. I love to play on the swings. At some parks I like to
try to touch the leaves with my feet. Sometimes I am scared, I will fall off
the swing. The breeze feels great on my face, come to a park with me.
Hi Simon,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story! Thanks especially for bringing to life the look and feel of the leaves. I can see why you like going to this park -- it really engages all of your senses.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I hope you continue to write stories about the things you love to do! It's always interesting to hear about what people have fun doing outside of school and work. And you're brave to admit your fear about falling off the swing. A lot of people feel that way on swings, especially when they swing high up in the air!
When you write your next great story, here are a few ideas to help make it even more awesome:
(1) Once you finish writing, go back and do a quick re-read of what you wrote. Always double check your spelling and punctuation. In this story, your spelling was perfect. I didn't see a single mistake. That's very impressive! But it never hurts to check your spelling just in case. In terms of punctuation, I would make a few small changes. You can get rid of the comma after "scared." I don't think you need it. In the last sentence, you could put a period, instead of a comma, after "face" and then make "come to a park with me." its only sentence and start "come" with a capital letter. It's such a thoughtful invitation to the reader to go to your park, and it deserves its own sentence.
(2) Add even more details to your story. I liked your story a lot and you left me curious and wanting to know more about certain things. What colors are the different leaves? (Red? Green? Brown?) What kinds of birds are there, and what do their noises sound like? What does the air smell like? I'm exciting to know more. The more information you provide, the more you help the reader see the park in his (or her) head. Based on your story, I can sort of imagine the park. But I want your story to transport me there. Just like you do in your head, I want to clearly see the leaves, hear the birds and smell the air in my own head. Because your park seems like such a cool place.
Keep up the hard work and good luck with all of your future stories!
Thanks again for letting me read your story,
Matt
How descriptive! I love the park on a sunny day. You really described it well.
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