Elena
“Cutting down trees”
Imagine
a world without trees and shade. Humans, animals and plants can’t protect
themselves from heat. Humans and animals cannot protect themselves for sunburn
if there is no more shade. Too much UV can cause a sunburn and a serious skin
problem. In central Oregon it is very sunny and dry. Animals such as cows,
horses, sheep enjoy shade on the pastures. Also some plants need shade to grow.
Cutting
down trees is a problem in Oregon because there will be less shade to cool
down. If nobody cares, animals people and even plants will suffer. Managing and
controlling forest growth is a way to make sure that we keep enough trees in
Oregon. Trees are a renewable resource so they can be grown, harvested and
replanted.
It is well written. Very factual. In the future, try to be more in-depth so as to tie in the sentences. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteElena is a very good writer. Her sentences are well-structured and clear; her vocabulary is also great. One thing that would make her writing even better is to add adjectives and adverbs that would make her sentences more descriptive. For example, "Managing and controlling forest growth is an easy/effective/low-cost way to make sure that we keep enough trees in Oregon." paints a more detailed picture than does the sentence without any adjective.
ReplyDeleteThis is a lovely concern for a young person. Going forward, remember the importance of punctuation - specifically, commas. Properly placed commas ensure your reader doesn't have to read sentences more than once to fully understand your statement. Also, know that anytime you use an acronym (such as UV), you should always spell it out at first use then follow that with the acronym. For example: ultra-violet (UV). Keep up the good work!
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ReplyDeleteWhat do you think he/she did well?
I love the way that this piece is started with a thought-provoking statement! It gives the reader something to wonder about. It makes the reader curious to find out what the writer will teach him/her about this topic.
The article also contains some important facts about what would happen if too many trees were cut down without being replaced on the same parcel of land. It is a very informative piece.
Where do you think the student can improve?
However, there are not many descriptive words in it. For instance, when describing what might happen to the land or the plants, the writer might want to use words like scorch, burn, and char. When describing the sun she might use words like blazing and scorching, red hot, etc.
This writer does a very good job at relaying the interesting facts of the story topic. However, she will want to work on using more adjectives. A good way to do this is to remember that every time a noun is used the writer will want to use at least one adjective to help modify it (or describe it to the reader).
By all means, Elena should keep up the good work with writing to inform readers about important topics!
Lori R., Communications Associate
I like yer story because without trees there would be no oxegen.
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