It was a beautiful day so Troy took his dog on a walk. Troy is from Troy so he is not used to warm weather. His big sister drove him to the park.
Pop!!! There car tired popped. Luckily they were at the park. Troy took his dog out of the car. Troy tied a leash to his dog. The dog saw a squirrel. He started running at the squirrel. The squirrel jumped into a tree. The dog hit the tree and fell into the stream.
The second Troy saw his dog in the stream. He shouted, “Anna build the Trojan horse with wood.”
Anna said, “What?” She ran over.
Anna said, “Oh, no.” She grabbed a tire and tied a rope to it. She threw the tire into the stream. The dog grabbed it and climbed up. Everyone was safe.
Point: I really liked that Troy is from Troy. I think that added good details to the writing. You said that, " Troy is from Troy so he is not used to warm weather." I also like that Troy asked Anna to build a Trojan horse to save his dog.
ReplyDeleteQuestion: How old are Anna and Troy? Is Anna or Troy the older sibling? I would like to know more about their relationship because they seem to be very close.
Helen
Thanks for the comment,
DeleteAnna is older than Troy. Troy is 7 and Anna is 18.
Point: I love that you included the sound effect of the tire popping in your story. "Pop!!!" It really helps the reader to imagine the scene more completely.
ReplyDeleteQuestion: What other things can you do to help set the scene when you're writing? What other kinds of sounds, colors, smells, or other things do you think people might experience in this setting?
Callie
I liked the humer you put in it.from, Johnny
ReplyDeleteI liked the humer you put in it.from, Johnny
ReplyDeleteI really like how you made the story really really really long. from Ian
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job of including lots of details to make the story seem real and interesting! Heather
ReplyDelete