Betty was just about to call her sister about a great apple pie recipe, when Sam jumped on the table Sam was Betty’s cat.
“Sam get off the table! You crazy cat, you need to learn to behave yourself.” Sam ran into the living room. He jumped on Lilly’s cage. Lilly was a bird. Sam jumped up and unlocked the door. The cage door swung open with a loud clatter. Lilly flew out the window. She perched herself on the highest branch of the oak tree.
“Oh no,” yelled Betty. Betty grabbed her phone and dialed 911. A male’s voice answered the phone.
“My cat’s stuck in a tree,” she said
The man said, “We’ll be right there.” He asked Betty her address.
“97432 NE Fern Street,” she responded. Betty went outside. She saw a firetruck parked in her driveway. A tall woman with thick black hair out.
“I can save your cat,” she said. It turns out her name was Lucy. Lucy pressed a button and a large ladder came up. Lucy climbed up the ladder. Sam mewed He meowed again. Lucy climbed higher and higher still.
“Got you,” she said, grabbing Sam around the waist. Lucy climbed down the ladder with Sam comfortably nestled in her left arm.
”Almost there Kitty,” she said. Lucy climbed down the last few steps of the ladder. Betty gt Sam a bowl of milk As for Lilly, she came down eventually. It took a lot of work. Betty and Lucy shook hands. Betty watched as the bright red truck. She finally called her sister to ask about good apple pie recipes.
Point: I enjoyed your story, particularly your choice of a female firefighter character. "She saw a firetruck parked in her driveway. A tall woman with thick black hair out."
ReplyDeleteQuestion: Did Betty's sister have a good apple pie recipe? What made it so good?
Sarah FV
Betty was just about to call her sister about a great apple pie recipe, when Sam jumped on the table Sam was Betty’s cat.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really great way to introduce the characters to your story :) The sentence feels a little long. Try reading it aloud.
An example of how you could alter it is to break it down into more sentences. There is also a lot of additional information you have put as a new sentence that could be put in brackets instead. If you aren't sure how to use them ask your teacher. They can really help you work flow.
Betty was just about to call her sister about a great apple pie recipe. However, she was interrupted when Sam, her cat, jumped on the table.
I love your use of short sentences in this paragraph (see below) it really helps build the tension.
“Sam get off the table! You crazy cat, you need to learn to behave yourself.” Sam ran into the living room. He jumped on Lilly’s cage. Lilly was a bird. Sam jumped up and unlocked the door. The cage door swung open with a loud clatter. Lilly flew out the window. She perched herself on the highest branch of the oak tree.
This is a really great bit of creative writing! Keep practising :)