Friday, March 30, 2012

Violet

Jake the turtle was so excited! His parents were leaving t go swimming for the night. Plus his favorite baby sitter Miranda was coming over to watch him and Suzy his sister. They were going to do fun stuff. But Jake has an unfortunate problem. Because when he gets excited as most little turtles do, has a habit of snapping. This is a very bad problem because often scares other animals.
    “Goodbye.” Their parents said as they walked out the door.
    “Good bye mom and dad.” They said.
    Four minutes later.
    “It’s time for dinner.” Miranda said.
    “What are we eating?” Jake asked.
    “Grass to go” Miranda said.
    “Yay! Woo! Hoo!” Jake shouted.
    Jake started to get excited and what for it snap!!
    “Jake don’t eat your silverware!” Miranda yelled.
    “Sorry.” Jake said.
    “Never mind let’s get you cleaned up.” Miranda said.
    “Ok I love to play with my bath toys!” Jake said.
     Jake got excited and snap!
    “Jake don’t eat the bath soap.” Miranda yelled.
    “Sorry.” Jake said.
    “I know let’s play a game called slam. Here’s how you play, you’ll find four matching cards and when you do you yell slam. Next you slam your cards down.” Miranda said.
    “Ok.”Jake said.
    Slam! Jake got excited because he got four matching cards. He started to… snap.
    “Jake you’re not suppose to eat your cards.” Miranda said.
    “Sorry.” Jerry said blushing.
    Next he dreamed of a big oad.
    “Don’t eat the…” Miranda said.
  
    “Ok its six o’ clock time for bed.” said Miranda.
    “But I’m not tired.” Jake and Suzy both said at the same time.
    Well Jake’s eyes started to shut.
    “Goodnight.” Miranda interrupted.
    “No I’m not.” Jake snored.
     Jake dreamed of a enormous grass bed and snap! Went the dresser, then he dreamed of a big juicy marshmallow! And snap went the bed.




Just then mom and dad arrived.
    “Hello!” They said.
    “Hi!” Jake and Suzy replied.
    “Were you guys good?” mom asked.
    “Yes they were,” Miranda said as she jumped in front of Jake.

2 comments:

  1. Violet, I love your story. Remember that when someone speaks, you need to put that in quotations. Commas are so the reader can hear the hesitations, such as "No, I'm not."

    I have seen many writers begin a sentence with a contraction and it sounds weird. I prefer beginning the sentence with another choice. For example, "But Jake has an unfortunate problem." Instead, Jake has an unfortunate problem - is clearer and it doesn't sound like you are apologizing for him having a problem.

    Loved the story - you are very creative!!!

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  2. This story has a lot of fun detail and your dialogue is good. Your ending is fun because it keeps the reader wondering about what else Jake may eat. My suggestion would be to really watch your punctuation when writing dialogue. It can get confusing to read if the punctuation is not correct.
    Nice work!

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