I
enjoy having a walk around the lake on a warm sunny day. I saw the big tall
oaks and I saw the big stone bridge. The sun was sparkling brightly on the
lake. I saw a gray mother peacock and a colorful father peacock and a line of
little peacocks to hurry along. The baby peacocks were so cute. The parent
peacocks strutted along as if they were king and queen while the little ones
hurried to catch up.
I
heard the soft warm breeze as it brushed against my face and I heard the boats
zooming across the water on the far side of the lake. I caught salamanders and
I even got to hold some! Hope you come
soon.
What a beautiful picture you paint with your words, Livy! Your writing is very descriptive. You share the things that you are sensing (seeing, feeling, hearing) very well.
ReplyDeleteSome suggestions that I would make for this piece are as follows: 1)Pay special attention to your verbs...remember that your verb tense (past, present, or future) should remain the same throughout the paragraph. For instance, in your first sentence, you might want to say, "I enjoyed taking a walk..." 2)Sometimes, it is good to use a comma (,) instead of "and" to make a sentence flow better. Like in sentence #4, after "...mother peacock..." 3) Also, in sentence #4, the end of the sentence is a bit awkward; you might want to change it to, "...little peacocks hurrying along." 4)The last sentence seems incomplete. You might want to add "I" at the beginning.
You definitely construct wonderful sentences! My favorite is the last sentence in paragraph #1. It is VERY well-done! Lori R., Communications Associate